by

Rhys Thomas

On the top of a hill, in the heart of the Welsh Valleys stands a vast, bleak building,

The Oystermouth Hospital for the Criminally Insane.

It’s midnight. Prison Warden JOHN FLAMBARD enters the prison gym at the end

of his shift. He walks straight into the solarium. He is alone.

There is an up right tanning machine in the room. John strips off leaving his

clothes and keys on the floor. Some joker has graffitied over the three tanning

settings with ‘HEALTHY GLOW’, ‘ MIXED RACE,’ or ‘AS THE ACE OF

SPADES.’ He selects ‘MIXED RACE’, pops on his UV goggles and steps in. The

UV lights start up, the buzzing begins. He starts to relax inside.

CUT TO:

Close up on a sinister pair of feet entering the solarium, then some hands

attaching crocodile clips to the power supply. We only see parts of the figure’s

face. He is pale with jet black hair and dark glasses just like Roy Orbison.

Creepy.

There is a sudden power surge. John is blinded by light and heat. He pushes the

emergency stop button inside, but nothing happens. He bangs and kicks the door.

JOHN

Help! Help! Help! Someone help!

The tanning machine is shaking and smoking, but John’s screams are barely audible

under the din. ‘BEEP’, the machine stops and the door opens. As the smoke

clears we see the charred remains of John. The killer takes his victim’s keys,

uniform and exits.

We open on parade of shops in Trebanos, South Wales. It’s a beautiful day. The

butchers, the green grocers and newsagent - all have signs on the window ‘Save

our local shops! Ban Online Shopping! Sign A Petition.’ A handful of Hare Krishna

are on the street corner shaking bells, crashing cymbals and singing ‘I Got My

Mind Set On You’ by George Harrison.

Fiddy and Fiddy Funeral Directors is situated on the end. There is a tiny, black

one seater Piaggo van parked outside. It has a coffin secured to the top.

Undertaker, Dick Fiddy (MICHAEL KITCHEN) is sitting at his desk in the

reception. Dick is an English Funeral Director living in Wales. He lives above his

own funeral parlour. A tearful widower, Len Evans (40) appears from one of the

Chapel of Rest rooms and walks up to Dick.

LEN

      You’ve done a wonderful job Dick. She looks a treat.

      How much do I owe you?

DICK

     That’s six hundred Welsh pounds please Len. I’ll throw

     the flowers in for gratis.

LEN

     That’s very generous of you.

DICK

     Well, you are one of our best customers. How many of

     your wives have we buried now?

LEN

     Five.

DICK

     Yes.... you don’t have much luck with ‘em do you.

     Dick casually holds up a handbag concealed under the table.

DICK (CONT'D)

     The handbag you asked me to bury with Maggie. I took

     the liberace of looking inside.

Len gulps. Dick takes a length of rope out of the handbag and places it on the

desk, then some handcuffs, some black leather gloves, a knife, an egg whisk and

finally a tube of Anusol - Len cracks, embarrassed at the sight of the bum cream.

LEN

     Now that’s not mine!

DICK

      Why Len? Why?

LEN

          (Regretful)

     My wiping is too thorough and I don’t get enough

roughage.

DICK

     No, you pebble, why did you kill your wives?

Len doesn’t answer, he simply gets up and runs for the door in a fluster. He

opens it but Wendy, Dick’s gormless lump of a Saturday girl, is standing behind it

in position, chomping on Kipling’s Fondant Fancies and blocking the escape.

WENDY

     Fondant Fancy?

Len runs to another door.

WENDY (CONT'D)

          (slightly offended)

     Not even a pink one?

That door is also locked.

DICK

           (Cool, calm and collected)

     I’m afraid you’re surrounded, you dirty berk. There is no

     escape.

But Len runs to the back door which opens out to a side street, and runs out

with ease.

DICK (CONT’D)

     Percy!

Percy, 27, Dick’s vagabond son, is in the middle of selling some dodgy Benson and

Hedges from Cambodia to a couple of urchins (7 or 8 years old) as LEN runs

straight past him. Percy, unlike his father, was born in Wales and has a Welsh

accent.

DICK

     Percy!

PERCY

Len is running up the street, he’s getting away. Dick appears in pursuit, there is a

window cleaner up a ladder in his way. The ladder freaks Dick out a bit, he steps

around it trying not to look at it, then he sees the Hare Krishnas. Ah ha! He

snatches a cymbal and flings it like a lethal frisbee. Whoosh! It flies down the

street CRASH! It hits Len on the back of the neck, knocking him to the ground.

Dick claps his hands. Percy ambles up behind.

DICK

     been waiting for!

A small police station in the high street, literally about 70 metres up the road

from the Funeral Parlour. The Funeral Car pulls up outside, with a coffin on the

roof.

DETECTIVE DI BOTCHER, (55) is reading ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ and

dipping biscuits into tea, trying to get in there before they flop off. CERI LLOYD

Community Support Officer and assistant, (20) runs to the door.

CERI

     Maam! Maam!

BOTCHER

     Shusht! I want to see how this ends!

CERI

     But Maaam!

Botcher calmly turns the page and tuts disappointedly.

BOTCHER

     Rubbish. Terrible plot. Full of holes. Right, what is it?

CERI

     A prisoner has escaped from the mental institute!

     Someone called Ron Orbison?

Botcher spits out her tea in shock, spraying Ceri in the face. The name fills her

with horror.

BOTCHER

     Ron Orbison! Holy Shit! Where are my betablockers?

She rummages through her desk, when suddenly the door swings open and Dick

and Percy burst in with a coffin.

DICK

     Yaki Da .

BOTCHER

     Don’t you know how to knock?!

DICK

     No, I’m still having lessons. Hold on ...

Dick tries to knock on the door, but misses, deliberately of course, being

sarcastic.

DICK (CONT’D)

     No. Still not got the hang of it. Right, special delivery for

     you.

Dick proudly lifts the coffin lid. Len is bound and gagged inside. Meanwhile, Percy

is secretly nicking things from the office, confiscated drugs, illegal DVDs etc.

DICK (CONT’D)

     This bilious bugger killed not one, not two, not three, not

     four , but five of his wives. Made it look like they died of

     natural causes when in fact, old Len here was a sexual

     nitwit. Stockings over the head, Pampers around the

     ankles and a pineapple up the old Calcutta.

CERI

     So that’s why the girls called him The Man from

     Delmonte!

Botcher is pissed off. She knows that Dick is better than her. She is being

deliberately obstructive.

BOTCHER

     Got any proof?

DICK

     with the bodies in the coffins see.

Percy is still shoving stuff in his coat. Ceri stares at Dick in wonder, she has a

serious crush on him. The thinking woman’s crumpets.

DICK (CONT’D)

     on the force.

BOTCHER

DICK

     Well, do you think you’ll be able to, you know, have a

     word upstairs, or downstairs or along the corridor, I

     don’t know where the Mayor’s office is based these days.

BOTCHER

     I’ll try. I can’t promise anything, mind. We’d have to

     exhume the other coffins to see if your theory is correct

     first.

DICK

     Done that.

Dumps four old hand bags on the table with incriminating evidence inside.

BOTCHER

     Hmmm. I’m still not sure. If only you’d got a confession

     out of him...

DICK

     confession, it’s not exactly a confession, more of a gulp.

BOTCHER

     A gulp?! I can’t charge him with a gulp, you silly bastard.

DICK

     It’s a guilty gulp.

BOTCHER

     Maybe so, but it’ll hardly hold up in court will it! I’ll have

     to let him go, if the bleeder doesn’t sue for wrongful

     arrest! In future Dick, leave the detective work to the real

     detectives.

Suddenly all of the stolen goods fall out of Percy’s overloaded coat. Shit. Luckily

Percy has a way out of everything.

PERCY

     these from right under your nostrils and you didn’t notice

     a thing. You’re a joke! You couldn’t solve a jigsaw puzzle?

BOTCHER

     What’s that then, Bergerac?

Di holds up a perfectly assembled jigsaw puzzle of a cat in a fruit bowl wearing a

Santa’s hat and a cotton wool beard. Percy stands corrected. Dick is not happy.

Dick turns to Percy as the door slams on the pair of them.

DICK

     Thanks a lot! You’ve shat all over my chances now, you

     bracket!

PERCY

     Are you having a bubble? You don’t really think she’s

     going to do you any favours do you?

DICK

Percy, we were partners. She might be a drainpipe, but

Pop! A champagne cork flies across the office. Botcher, now wearing a party hat

and smoking a cigar swigs from the bottle.

BOTCHER

     Good old Dick Fiddy.

CERI

     What are you doing?

Reveal Ceri also in a party hat , but looking uncomfortable and unhappy.

BOTCHER

     years for this! Ha! And a guilty gulp too- on TDK -

     priceless. Judge Jules will lock the door and throw away

     the key.

CERI

     You can’t do that! Dick caught him fair and square.

BOTCHER

CERI

     But...?

BOTCHER

     No buts. If the Mayor finds out that the bloody undertaker

     has been solving most of this town’s crimes for free, what

     do you think he’ll do with us? Huh? You’re okay, you’re

     young and spunky, but me? I’m 55, fat and female. Unless

     one of the Rolypollys drops dead, I doubt there’ll be much

     work out there for me.

Botcher is genuinely desperate. Ceri can see her point and sympathizes.

BOTCHER (CONT’D)

     Now, start looking for Ron Orbison pronto. There’s no

     telling where that crackpot might strike next.

A quiet street in the Valleys. A heavy breathing figure hidden in a bush is watching

a Happy Shopper To You delivery van dropping off some groceries. The chirpy

delivery man Michael Humphreys whistles as he returns to his van. He’s about to

get inside when suddenly RON ORBISON jumps out and THUMP! Hits him on

the head. Black out.

Percy is standing with a putter, he taps a golf ball, it rolls along the carpet into the

open mouth of Mrs Craddox, a elderly corpse in a dress. Wendy is watching.

WENDY

      Bogie!

Dick enters in a fluster holding a letter.

DICK

     Percy! What have I told you about treating the bodies

     though.

PERCY

     What have you got there?

DICK

     It’s a long story.

PERCY

     How long?

DICK

     Five minutes. Three and a half if I talk fast.

PERCY

     Go on then.

DICK

     Remember ten years ago, before everything went

     tittybanana?

PERCY

     You mean before mum left, you lost your job, had a

     nervous breakdown and flew over the cuckoo clock?

DICK

     No, before then.

PERCY

     Oh.

DICK

     Well, remember we had a new kitchen. The nice one,

     from Magnets. Marble floors, aga, wine rack and tea

     towel holder. The one that cost fifteen grand.

PERCY

     How could I forget? It was a lovely kitchen.

DICK

     Well, I bought it special offer, buy now, pay June 2007.

     Look at the date.

He points to the Nicholas Lyndhurst calendar on the wall, it’s June 2007.

DICK (CONT’D)

     I’m in deep, deep ponder, Perce. Magnets are vicious

     sods. I’m overdrawn, the bank’s screaming at me and no

     one is dying around here. I blame the internet. It’s killed

     the funeral business.

PERCY

     The internet?

DICK

     Yes. You can bury people online now you know. We

     need to put all of our genes in one basket and find a way

     of making money fast.

Wendy shuffles over.

WENDY

     You could always pawn me.

DICK

     Pawn you? No way! I’d never do that. Besides, we need a

     lot more than tuppence to save us.

The phone rings. Dick answers.

DICK (CONT'D)

     Hello? Fiddy and Fiddy Funeral Directors? Yes? Yes?

     Brilliant! I mean, terribly sorry to hear...Suntan accident?

     Zardoz for that. We got a deaden. Oystermouth Mental

     Home. Not a solution, but it’ll keep the sheep from the

     door for now.

Dick enters the kitchen and grabs his coat. Percy follows.

PERCY

     I just thought. The Oystermouth Mental Home is by the

     Mumbles. You know who lives there, don’t you.

DICK

     Don’t even think about it. You’ve hurt her enough. Leave

     her be.

PERCY

     But she’s loaded. Her dad created turquoise remember?

     I could turn on the charm and con the bone marrow out

     of her.

DICK

     Percy, I appreciate your enthusiasm, you are a chip off the

     old bollock and everything, but no. Let’s make money the

     honest way. Comprende?

PERCY

DICK

WENDY

     Okay Mr Fidds.

Dick exits and Wendy stares at Percy , inches away from his face, taking Dick’s

words too literally.

We see a pair of shiny shoes stomping down the corridor of the police station,

accompanied by the sound of marching drums, pan up from the feet to reveal The

Mayor , LARRY BARABAS, barging down the corridor followed by the percussion

section of the Junior Salvation Army and a couple of Majorettes. The Mayor sees

a lone COPPER blocking his way in the corridor, the mayor decks him and the

drummers punctuate the action with a crash.

MAYOR

Take a hike, shitforbrains. I’m the frikkin Mayor!

The Mayor bursts into Botcher’s office. The Salvation Army band/Majorettes

march in behind him cramping up the small office. Once settled, the drummers

stop.

BOTCHER

     Mr Mayor! What a surprise.

MAYOR

     Be quiet Botcher. I don’t really want to be here. Right,

     let’s get this over with. I’ve got two Little Chefs to close

     down and a copy of Chicken Little to get back to

     Blockbuster by sundown. Now, about Ron Orbison, have

     you caught him yet?

CERI

     Well no sir, he’s only just escaped.

MAYOR

     Not good enough. I want him back behind bars by the end

     of ‘Popworld’ tomorrow morning, and if I find out he’s

     killed anyone else, you’re fired, gottit?!

BOTCHER

     But, Mr Mayor, I’ve only got six weeks til I retire. What

     about my lump sum?

CERI

     Yeah, and I’ve got to pay for my bassoon lessons.

MAYOR

     Then you’d better make sure you find him sharpish then,

     bettern’t you not. Anyhoos, I’ve had a word with the

    boys down the Mental house, pulled a few ham strings,

     made it look like an accident, so there’s no need for

     anyone to find out about it. As long as you two don’t

     cock up, we should be okay. Right, where’s your lav. only

     I’m busting for a Double Decker.

BOTCHER

     Just out there on the left. Oh, we’ve run out of paper.

     You might want to use these.

She hands him some Discovery Flour Tortilla wraps.

MAYOR

     Thank you. Funnily enough I had chilli last night.

The Mayor exits. Band follow him out playing ‘Sussudio’ by Phil Collins.

The Mayor walks into tiny gents cubicle and the marching band/majorettes all go

to follow him in.

MAYOR

     No...Not in here.

Close up of a hand knocking on the front door of 10 Hackett Road. An elderly

fellow, Terrence Proops, opens it. Reveal RON ORBISON standing on the

doorstep dressed in a Happy Shopper To You delivery outfit. We see his full face

for the first time. He us the spitting image of Roy Orbison.

RON

     Hello. Happy Shopper to You. Where do you want

     these?

Ron dumps the shopping onto the kitchen floor and takes out his clipboard.

RON

     There are a few items that weren’t in stock so we

     replaced them with the closest thing.

Terrence and his wife Maggie, check the receipt and bags.

TERRENCE

      Hold on...You’ve replaced onions with light bulbs.

RON

     They’re bulbs aren’t they? Similar enough.

TERRENCE

     I’m not going to chop up a light bulb and put it in my

     shepherd’s pie am I, thicko! Hang on, you’re not our

     usual man.

Ron pulls out a Black and Decker drill , Terrence screams and we hear a

whrrrrrrlllllllllll!

Dick arrives at the prison solarium. Roger Nutbrown, a gruff man in a white coat

is smoking a cigarette, inspecting the body and taking pictures. He swigs Gaviscon

from the bottle.

DICK

     Yaki da. I’m the undertaker.

ROGER

     Go ahead. I’ve finished. Got himself locked in the tanning

     machine and bronzed himself to death. He’s been dead,

     oh, ten hours. Even if he had got out of the machine, the

     UV rays would have given him more cancers than

     Christmas.

DICK

     Was the room like this when you entered?

ROGER

     Yes, why?

DICK

     Smell that. Detergents. (sniffs) And floor wipes?

     Someone has been right through the place.

ROGER

     Mr Muscle?

DICK

     No, not him. Someone else. Someone who wanted to

     cover something up.

Adrian Rondeau, male nurse enters.

ADRIAN RONDEAU

     Roger Nutbrown, there you are! You know you’re not

     allowed to wander around on your own.

ROGER

     Yes, sister.

DICK

          (bewildered)

     You mean he’s not a a forensic Scientist?

ADRIAN RONDEAU

     overdose of Cod Liver Oil tablets. His brain might be in

     pieces, but his joints are a marvel. Come on Rog, let’s

     get you washed.

DICK

     One more thing, - have the police been?

RONDEAU

     No. It was an accident so they didn’t bother.

They exit.

DICK

     Accident, my socks. You were murdered, but by whom?

Dick spots a huge patch of obvious white paint on the wall. He sniffs it.

DICK (CONT'D)

     Tippex? Still fresh.

He starts to scrub away - a word is written underneath. Cut to a wide shot

revealing the letters T,W,A,T in blood.

DICK (CONT'D)

     Now where have I seen that before?

Percy is impatient and under house arrest, basically. Wendy is staring at him . She

won’t let him leave her short sight but he has a plan.

PERCY

     Wanna play musical statues?

WENDY

     Yes please!

Percy pops on the CD player. The opening bars of ‘Uptown Girl’ begin, Wendy

starts to dance, almost immediately Percy stops the music. Wendy freezes like a

statue and Percy exits. Mission accomplished. Wendy remains frozen.

Ceri hangs up the telephone. She’s pale and worried. Botcher is staring at a

whiteboard with the word RON ORBISON written on it, and the date....and

that’s it.

CERI

     Bad news. 10 Hackett Road. Two of them. You’ve got to

     call Fiddy. He can help us.

BOTCHER

     What’s your obsession with Fiddy? Do you want to wear

     his pants or something?

Ceri looks a little sheepish. Maybe she does?

BOTCHER (CONT’D)

     No. I don’t need his help. I’m solving this one myself. I

     can do it! Yes! Now where are my betablockers?

Di Botcher takes a whole load of tablets, downs them with Vimto, puts on her

motorcycle helmet and exits. Ceri remains behind, unsure.

The Ice Cream Parlour is empty. Sian Rossi, feisty, Zeta Jones type is closing up

when a shadow is cast on the wall of a man in a Funeral Director’s hat.

PERCY (Off camera)

     Hello Sian.

Sian looks like she has seen a ghost. She swigs a shot of Nesquick in disbelief.

SIAN

     Percy Fiddy. As I live and piss.

She walks up to him with a smile on her face as if to kiss him, then punches him in

the face. Smack!

SIAN (CONT’D)

     You arse hole! You big, fat, dirty, stinking, arsehole! Seven

     years! Seven years! Where were you?

The lies begin...

PERCY

     Nam...See, Sian, this is confidential information, but I’m a

     Spook, you know, Mi6, not 9 to 6. I was on a secret

     mission to rescue American POWs from remote parts of

     the Nam, where some soldiers still think they are at war.

SIAN

     Bollocks.

PERCY

     Yeah... I was in prison. Wrongful arrest though! I was

     fitted up!

SIAN

     Bollocks.

PERCY

     Yeah. It was a fair cop. Armed robbery. But it was for

     charity! I donated all the money to Doctor Banardles!

SIAN

     Bollocks.

PERCY

     Yeah. Kept it, spent it all on myself. But Prison taught me

     a lesson. I’m a changed man.

SIAN

     Oh no, you haven’t found Jesus have you, or Ali Baba?

PERCY

     No Sian, all I found, was...was myself.

SIAN

     Bollocks.

PERCY

     Yeah.

SIAN

     Well I’ve got seven years of hurt, pain, anger, bitterness

     and misery inside that I can’t wait to take out on you , and

     your rectum ...with this Ice cream scoop...

Dick arrives home. He sees Wendy, she is still frozen like a statue.

DICK

     Wendy? Wendy? Where’s Percy? Wendy?

She doesn’t move. Dick sighs. He starts the music. ‘Uptown Girl’ continues. She

starts dancing, full of life and now able to answer questions.

WENDY

     I don’t know! But he went a few hours ago and stole

     flowers from the...

Dick rolls his eyes as the CD sticks and she freezes solid again, mid sentence.

Dick bangs the player. Music continues.

WENDY (CONT'D)

      ...Chapel of Rest. Heard him phone National Rail

      Enquiries asking for trains to

CD sticks again. Dick bangs again.

WENDY CONT'D)

     The Mumbles . Oh, there’s a police person here to see

     you.

The CD freezes again, but Dick doesn’t bother to un-stick it

Ceri is sitting in the waiting room. Dick enters sipping a cup of tea. He has no

idea she loves him.

DICK:

     Don’t tell me, I know. You want my help. Well, sorry, no

     dice daddio. I’ve done enough for Botcher and what for?

CERI

     You’re not doing it for her. You’re doing it for the village.

DICK

     No. Still not interested. I’ve got enough of my own

     problems. Magnets are gonna repossess my kitchen - and

     my knee caps.

CERI

     he’ll get you back on the Force. There’s also a reward, a

     nice bit of cash.

DICK

     Water off a duck’s crack. Heard it all before.

CERI

     Dick, please! There’s a killer on the loose and we’ve got

     to catch him before brunch tomorrow morning - if not,

     we’ll lose our jobs - and I’ve got bassoon lessons to pay

     for and...and I’m scared because I’ve never seen a dead

     body before.

She wells up. Dick puts his hand on her shoulder.

DICK

CERI

     Four.

DICK

     Go on then. Spill the beanbags.

CERI

     This morning, a man escaped from prison. His name was

     Ron Orbison.

Dick spits out his tea, lots of it, showering Ceri in the face for the second time

today, although she doesn’t mind it from him.

DICK

     Ron Orbison! Of course! I knew I recognised the trade

     marks.

CERI

     You know him?

DICK

     Know him? I put him away. Sort of.

CERI

      Who is he?

DICK

     all of the trade marks of a classic; split personality,

     obsessive nature, left coded messages on walls and

     thought he was Roy Orbison; he even dressed like him to

     get the media and Mojo Magazine interested. In the

     December of ‘86 he went on a horrific killing spree. It

     was all over the news.

CERI

     How many people did he kill?

DICK

     One - and that was an accident. That’s why he was Wales’

     worst serial killer. But he showed potential....and now

     he’s finally done it. This is the day I’ve always feared.

     Come on, no time to lose. Let’s get crackling!

Percy and Sian are in bed. She pulls out the ice cream scoop from under the

covers.

SIAN

     I’ll have to pop that in the dishwasher...Are you okay?

Percy is uncharacteristically quiet.

PERCY

     Sian, there’s something I need to tell you.

SIAN

     What is it?

PERCY

     I don’t know how to say this...I’m dying. No bollocks this

     time. Doctor gave me nine and a half weeks. Ten if I’m

     unlucky.

SIAN

PERCY

     Yeah, the pain see. It’s so bad. It’s okay. I’m dealing with

     it.

She is starting to believe him.

SIAN

     What’s wrong with you?

PERCY

     I’ve got a very rare form of hiccups. It could strike any

     moment. If I hiccup, I’ll never get my breath back.

SIAN

     Is there anyone who can help?

PERCY

     Well, there’s a doctor in Arizona, but, well, it’s gonna

     cost, thousands. I can’t afford it. I’ve never been

     so...so...so terrified in my life.

(MORE)

     I came here because...because I just wanted...I needed to

SIAN

     How many thousands do you need?

PERCY

     Fifte...Twenty.

SIAN

     I’ll pay.

PERCY

     No, I don’t want you to do that.

SIAN

     No please. When dad died, he left me three million

     pesetas and the rights to ‘Apple White.’

PERCY

     But I didn’t come here for money. I came here for

     forgiveness.

Sian wraps her arms around Percy.

SIAN

     All right. I respect what you are saying. I wouldn’t want to

     insult you with money.

A beat. Percy rolls his eyes behind her back.

PERCY

     Although a cheque would be nice.

The Fiddy Funeral Car is parked on the drive, Ceri and Dick walk up the path.

CERI

     Dick, can I ask you something? What happened? Why did

     you lose your job?

DICK

     It’s very complicated. There are a million reasons.

CERI

     Botcher said it was because you were terrified of ladders.

That has touched a nerve.

DICK

     That’s utter Mugabe/Total codsbollocks.

PERCY (CONT'D)

hit in the face by a falling loft ladder...Back to present, Dick loses balance

momentarily and gathers himself, casting the image from his brain.

CERI

     Are you okay?

DICK

     Fit as fiddles. Come on.

Dick gingerly enters the lounge. The bodies of Terrence and his wife on the floor.

On the wall behind them are the letters ‘T’, ‘W’ ‘A’ ‘T’. He looks for something

to cover the bodies, he sees a pair of big bloomers and some tatty pants on the

radiator and puts them over their faces.

DICK

     You can come in.

Ceri enters.

DICK (CONT’D)

     It’s exactly the same as the prison. And the murder 20

     years ago. Only these two were killed with a drill. Not

     just any drill, but the Bosche, PBH 2000 Hammer Drill.

     550 watts, 1.5 Joules impact force, pneumatic impact

     mechanism and chiseling function.

CERI

          (impressed)

     You can tell that just by looking at them?

DICK

     Yes...well, no. Someone left the box in the bin.

Dick picks up the box from the bin.

CERI

     T.W.A.T? What does that mean?

DICK

     It’s Ron’s calling card. They are co-ordinates, T W A T,

     the alphabetical position of letters of the alphabet, 20, 23,

     01, 20.

CERI

     Co-ordinates to where?

DICK

     Hell- Ron Orbison was crazier than a shithouse cat. He

     claimed that the devil used to talk to him through Roy

     Orbison records if you play them sideways.

(MORE)

     Apparently Beezlebub himself gave Ron the co-ordinates

     to hell one night. Either that or he just thought Ron was a

     twat.

Botcher enters removing her helmet. She is furious.

BOTCHER

CERI

     I had to Ma’am. It took you six weeks to solve that jigsaw

     puzzle.

BOTCHER

     Back stabber!

DICK

     Oh grow up. We have to work together if we’re going to

     catch this walnut whip before he does it again. how many

     people has he killed?

BOTCHER

     Seven. Four more bodies have just been found.

DICK

     Seven! Christ. Why didn’t you ask me for help?

BOTCHER

     Because I wanted to solve this by myself for once ! I didn’t

     think Orbison had it in him, did I! You know his bark has

     serial killer, remember.

Dick is onto something. He looks at the word on the wall again.

DICK

     Hold on. You’ve got a point. Maybe we’re all farting up

     the wrong tree. How tall is Ron?

DI BOTCHER

     Oh, tiny. No more than five foot.

DICK

     Exactly. The killer is at least a foot taller. You see,

     standing up, we all instinctively write at eye level. If Ron

     Orbison had written that, it would have been down there.

Ceri mimes writing on the wall as if she were the killer. It’s eye level.

CERI

     He’s right.

     We’ve got a copycat killer on our hands and unlike Ron,

     this cock ponce means business. The other crime scenes,

     where are they?

DI BOTCHER

     37 Banks Terrace, 6 Gabriel Cottage and 99 Rutherford

     Avenue.

DICK

     All identical, I take it.

Di nods. Dick looks around the room.

DICK (CONT’D)

     No sign of forced entry, so he came in the front door

     suggesting the victims either knew him, or he was

     someone they could trust. A policeman, doctor , fireman,

     pilates instructor or a..

Dick sees the Happy Shopper To You bags on the floor. He’s cracked it!

DICK (CONT’D)

     Of course! It’s been staring me in the face all the time!

    Ceri, get on to the Happy Shopper. See what vans are out

     murderer is posing as Ron Orbison , posing as Roy

     Orbison, posing as a online delivery man and has easy

     access to every house he visits!

CERI

     Will do.

DICK

     Botcher, get onto Wales Tonight. Tell them that no one, I

     repeat, no one, I repeat, no one, I repeat, no one, who

     has ordered online shopping must open any doors, a

     serial killer is on the loose , he’s crackerjack and

     dangerous. If they need food, go to the local shops or the

     market.

DI BOTCHER

     Are you giving me orders?

DICK

    Yes, now do it before I lose my rag!

Ceri, on the phone, turns to Dick

CERI

     Dick, I’ve got a matching delivery round. 10 Hackett

     Street, 37 Banks Terrace, 6 Gabriel Cottage and 99

     Rutherford Avenue.

DICK

     hold...Okay, put me through....Yes I’ll hold...Hello? Yes I’ll

     hold...Hello, who’s next on the round? Hello?

     .Yes....Yes...Yes... right, finally, yes, yes, yes...Yes I’ll

     hold....Hello....Who? Sian Rossi at The Weatherspoons

     Ice Cream Parlour, but that’s where....Passion of the

     Christ!

Percy is snuggled in bed. Sian is writing a cheque for twenty thousand pounds.

SIAN

     You will stay this time won’t you? You see, I’m a tough

     biscuit and it takes a lot to upset me, but my heart, my

     heart couldn’t take another breaking.

Percy takes the cheque ,but he feels guilty. He has never felt guilt in his life. He is

torn. He’s going to tell her the truth. Yes. No. Yes.

PERCY

     Sian...

Phew. There’s a knock at the door. Saved. Percy needs a bit more time.

SIAN

     That’ll be the Happy Shopper.

PERCY

     I’ll get it.

Percy exits. She smiles. Then she sees his trousers on the floor - overloaded

with her jewels and expensive things.

SIAN

     The lying cun....

Percy opens the door.

PERCY

     Hello?

Ron is on the doorstep.

RON

     Happy Shopper to You. There are a few items that

     weren’t in stock so we replaced them with the closest

     thing.

PERCY

     Right...

But Ron doesn’t waste any time and clumps Percy over the head with a frozen leg

of pork.

Dick is speeding through the streets in the funeral van.

Botcher speeding through the streets on her motorbike, Ceri on the back.

BOTCHER

     What is it about Fiddy? Why do you like him so much?

     What has he got that I haven’t?

CERI

     Bollocks.

BOTCHER

     In what sense of the word?

CERI

     Both.

Dick enters the house, he sees a staple gun and arms himself. Percy is on the

floor tied up with shopping bags and a lightbulb in his mouth.

DICK

     Percy!

Percy wakes up.

PERCY

     Sian!

Sian is tied up in the loft of the ice cream parlour.

SIAN

     Please, I’ll do anything. Do you like Ice creams? Wafers?

RON

     Quiet! Now, which size drill bit would you like?

Ron pulls out the drill and looks at the selections of screws and pulls out the

biggest, deadliest one.

Percy and Dick run up the stairs, they hear the creaking floorboards in the loft.

Suddenly Dick stops dead in his tracks - he is severely troubled by something...

DICK

     Oh no!

We see the loft ladder hanging down. Dick freezes. Cut to haunting images of

ladders (Hitchcock’s VERTIGO style) and flashback in full....

badge and is on the landing of a house. He is confident, slick, cool.

DICK

     Come out Ron, you dirty berk! I know you’re here?

     There’s no escape.

Suddenly the loft latch opens up, we catch a glimpse of Ron Orbison, Dick looks

up and the loft ladder comes sliding down and WHACK! The ladder smacks Dick

in the face, knocking him down a flight of stairs, then another flight of stairs, then

another flight of stairs.

barges past and climbs it. He can still feel the pain in his head. The shudder.

Percy steps into the loft just as the drill is about to do some skull damage.

PERCY

     Don’t worry Bubbs, Percy’s here to save you!

SIAN

     You rotten shit! You lied to me!

PERCY

     I know and I’m sorry! I love you! I mean it! See.

He tears up the cheque. Ron watches on non plussed.

RON

     Do you mind, I’m about to drill her brain out!

PERCY

      Oh no you’re not!

SIAN

     No! Don’t tread off the beams, you’ll fall through the...

Too late, Percy treads off the beams and falls straight through the ceiling and onto

the kitchen floor.

SIAN (CONT’D)

     Artex...

Botcher runs in with a gun. She pushes Dick out of the way, who is still having

troubles with the ladder.

Botcher appears.

DI BOTCHER

     Don’t worry, Di Botcher, Chief of Police. Everything is

     going to be funky dory.

SIAN

     No! Don’t tread on the...

But she falls through the floor too, landing on Percy.

SIAN (CONT’D)

     Artex.

Ceri appears in the loft, she’s petrified.

CERI

     It’s okay, ...I’m here to...

She steps straight through the artex. Sian sighs. Dick knows he’s their last hope.

RON

     Where was I...? Oh yes.

The drill gets closer to Sian’s temple. Sian closes her eyes ready to die when Dick

appears. He made it! Yes!

DICK

     I don’t believe it! Ron Orbison! Here. In front of me!

Ron turns, confused, the drill still dangerously close to her head.

DICK (CONT’D)

     I tell you what, caps off to you. I mean, I’ve seen some

     murderers in my time but you, you’re the best and the

     whole delivery thing. Genius. You’re gonna go down in

     history.

RON

DICK

     Oh yes. There’ll be books, websites and by this time next

     year an exaggerated and sensationalized ITV1 drama about

     you starring, oh, Ross Kemp?

RON ORBISON

     You really think so? I prefer Stephen Tompkinson. he

     can be funny and serious...Who would play you?

DICK

     I dunno...David Jason?

RON ORBISON

     Too fat. What about that bloke from 'Foyle's War?'

DICK

     Nah. He hasn’t got the range..

          (POINTS BEHIND HIM)

     Oh look! An owl!

RON

     Where?

Ron falls for it and turns. Dick fires the staples, they hit Ron in the face, Sian bites

his hand. Dick leaps onto Ron and they struggle on the beams, both trying not to

tread to their doom. Dick gets a whiff of Ron’s neck. Strange? Dick knees Ron in

the groin and punches him, Ron crashes straight through the artex.

Dick bends over Ron who is on his back. Percy, Ceri and Botcher stir and rise.

DICK

     Nasty fall, Ron...or should I say, Mr Mayor?

Gasps all round as Dick pulls off Ron’s disguise, wig, latex mask and glasses. It’s

The Mayor. He gulps.

DICK (CONT'D)

     A guilty gulp. See, gulps never lie.

CERI

     I don’t get it?

DICK

     The Mayor here wanted to ruin the reputation of every

     online delivery store. After all, who would trust a

     delivery man ever again once this got out? Every online

     shopping service would be knackered. Tesco, Sainsburys

     and Avocado. The Mayor had access to the prison, he

     killed the guard, mimicking Wales’ most notorious

     criminal, let the real Ron loose so it looked like an

     escape, stole the shopping lists, a delivery van and hey

     presto, izzy wizzy, let’s get busy.

DI BOTCHER

     Is this true?

MAYOR

          (in tears, broken man)

     On-line shopping is killing our businesses. Our local

     shops can’t survive. They’re closing down right, left and

     centre. I had to do something. I had to save Trebanos

     from another disaster. They’ve already closed our pits,

     slaveries and brothels. Now they want to close our shops

     too! Please, don’t put me inside. I had good intentions! I

     was trying to save the village.

DICK

     Save yourself more like. Every shop closed down in this

     town is one less stamp in your rent book. The internet

     is damaging my business too, but I don’t go around killing

     people for trade, do I!

PERCY

     Bloody good idea though.

Ceri cuffs the Mayor and drags him out, the Mayor calling out as he leaves.

MAYOR

     No, please! Don’t send me to the big house!

DICK

     I don’t want to hear it!

MAYOR

     But I’ve got a copy of Chicken Little to go back to

     Blockbuster by sundown!

And off he goes, his voice disappearing down the corridor. Sian enters.

BOTCHER

     How did you know?

DICK

     Joop.

BOTCHER

     What?

DICK

     Joop. Only the Mayor wears Joop and the real Ron was a

     Blue Stratos man. It wasn’t until I smelt him in the loft

     that I was certain. Secondly, the real Ron would have

     recognised me. The Mayor never knew that I put Ron

     away, because, even then, twenty one years ago,

     someone else took the credit, didn’t they Botcher.

Botcher looks ashamed. Quick two second flash of a news paper cover 1986. DI

BOTCHER on the front page - ‘POLICE HERO CATCHES MENTAL CASE’,

BOTCHER

     I’m sorry. I truly am. I couldn’t have done this without

     you. Bygones?

DICK

     Bygones.

They shake hands. We see that they both have their fingers crossed behind their

backs.

Dick, Percy and Sian are walking home. Percy tries to hold Sian’s hand. She

whisks it away. Dick is sombre.

SIAN

     Listen, thanks for saving me.

DICK

     Yeah...(huff)

SIAN

     Come on Dick. You should be happy. You caught the

     Mayor didn’t you.

DICK

      Exactly. My one chance back onto the force! And my

     reward. Blown. What a shitweazle. I should have known

     better. (ASIDE) Percy, what about your plan? Did you

     fiddle some cash out of her?

PERCY

     Shusht. No. I couldn’t go through with it. She’s too nice.

     I hate to say it, but I think she’s turned me into a good

     person. I actually felt guilt for the first time. It was

     wonderful.

DICK

     Magn...

Dick stops in his tracks when he sees that his front door has been kicked down.

DICK (CONT’D)

     Brides of Christ!

Dick runs into the kitchen..but it has gone. Just an empty shell and a note , he

picks it up. Percy and Sian enter behind.

DICK

     ‘Next time it’ll be your bathroom. Don’t fuck with

     Magnet. ‘

PERCY

     Wendy! Why didn’t you try and stop them!? Wendy?

Reveal Wendy still frozen like a statue by the record player. Only she is a little

tired now and falls to the left, still in the same shape. Bonk!

DICK

     Well there’s only one thing for it.

Dick and Percy hand Wendy over to a big, fat, dirty pawn shop owner. Dick

counts his tuppence.

DICK

     Don’t worry Wendy, we’ll be back for you when we get

     enough money.

WENDY

     Okey dokus.

DICK

     So you and Sian back on?

PERCY

     Too soon to know. We’re going out tomorrow night.

     I’ve got a lot to prove, but she’s worth it.

DICK

     Yep, I always thought was good for you and she’s a very

     pretty woman.

PERCY

     Which reminds me, I wonder what happened to the

     REAL Ron Orbison?

DICK

Oh yeah, I forgot about him...

The real Ron Orbison, a tiny man, is singing ‘’You Got It’’ in a living room. The

word TWAT written above his head.

RON

     Thank you ladies and gentlemen. You’ve been a

     marvellous audience. Goodnight!

Reveal a terrified couple in their pyjamas tied up, being forced to watch.

HOSTAGE

     Are you going to kill us?

RON

     Nah, you’re all right...Here, you couldn’t lend me a

     quarter for the bus could you?

VIGILANTES

by

RHYS THOMAS

Draft One 14.08.07

Health Minister Alistair Philips is live on ‘Newsnight’ with Jeremy Paxman. Alistair

is trying to keep his cool. He is a young, trendy MP, but slightly lacking in

confidence. Jeremy Paxman could eat him for breakfast - and is about to,

ALISTAIR:

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the MMP Vaccine is

used in over 90 countries, the World Heath Organization

have categorically said that it is safe, extensive research by

scientists at the Royal Free Hospital say there is no link

to autism, bowel disorder or any other illness...

JEREMY PAXMAN:

(Interrupts)

Have your children had the jab?

ALISTAIR:

I beg your pardon?!

PAXMAN:

Have your children had the MMP jab?

ALISTAIR:

How dare you ask me -

PAXMAN

Have your children had the MMP jab? Answer the

question!

ALISTAIR:

Well, no...

PAXMAN

(Incredulous)

Hold on, do you realise what you have just said?

ALISTAIR:

(stumbling)

If you’d just let me finish...

Jeremy interrupts again.

PAXMAN

You, Mr Philips, the Minister of Health for Great Britain,

have not given your own children the injection because

you know it’s not safe!

ALISTAIR:

No, because I haven’t got any children!

Jeremy stumbles for a second.

PAXMAN:

Ahhh, but you’re not denying it.

Alistair loses it.

ALISTAIR:

This is ridiculous!

He rips off his mic and storms off set.

PAXMAN:

Struck a nerve there, as you can see. (Smiles) Now over

to Ray McGyver with today’s sport.

On the TV screens in the background, we hear bland BBC Sports reporter RAY

McGYVER rambling on about the build up to this Sunday’s London Marathon as

Alistair appears from the lift, fuming. He turns off his phone. His useless PA,

JESSICA STEPHENS, 24, is sitting in Stage Door reception.

RAY MCGYVER V/O

Yes, this Sunday over thirty thousand people are expected

to compete in the 28th London Marathon, and all eyes are

on this lady, Polly Cannon...

ALISTAIR:

I don’t want to see or speak to anyone!

But Jessica is star-struck as a celeb enters.

JESSICA:

Oh my god! It’s Boycie from ‘Only Fools and Horses.’

Reveal John Challis walking in. ALISTAIR shakes his head and leaves his useless

PA behind.

JESSICA

Your keys, Alistair.

She hands him his car keys. He snatches them from her.

The alarm beeps and Alistair gets into his Land Rover in the main car park. He shuts the door and takes a deep breath. He opens up the glove compartment, takes out a secret bottle of Gaviscon and swigs it to calm his nerves. He looks at his reflection in the rear view mirror, when he sees the backseat move behind him, almost as if something was hidden inside it, sewn in under the leather. He turns and looks, but the seat is still. Nothing. He shakes his head. He must be seeing things.

He switches on the ignition, the radio blasts out immediately, very loud making him jump. ‘It’s A Hard Life’ by Queen. He turns it down a little and pulls out of the main gates and onto the road,

The backseat moves again. Something large and living is in there. ALISTAIR is oblivious. He has got too much on his mind. Then, the blade of a knife cuts

through the leather from inside. Whatever is hidden in the seat wants to get out.

The blade slashes open the seat cover and the menacing figure concealed inside

sits up, eerily, like Michael Myers in ‘Halloween.’ The man is wearing an oxygen mask so we cannot see his face, overalls and white surgical gloves. Alistair sees the man’s reflection in the rear view mirror and goes to scream, but the intruder is too quick and covers Alistair’s mouth with a snotty handkerchief and stabs him in the neck with a syringe. Alistair passes out.

A lone POLICE GUARD is on duty outside the gates of Downing Street. He

hears the sound of an engine. He looks up. Heading toward him, at about 20mph is Alistair’s Range Rover. But it doesn’t slow down. It gets closer and closer.

POLICE GUARD

Stop! Stop! Stop or I’ll shoot!

But as the car gets closer, he see’s Alistair slumped over the driving wheel. The POLICE GUARD jumps out of the way as the ROVER crashes straight into the gates. He opens the car door. Alistair falls out, a brick has been placed on the accelerator pedal. We crash zoom into a note on Alistair’s back.

‘MMP - BAN IT OR DIE!’

TITLE SEQUENCE

Two young burglars in hooded tops, WES and PHIL are raiding the kitchen of an expensive house. The middle-aged owners LEN and JEAN and their two children are chained to a radiator, too afraid to speak. The burglars are armed with knives and pizza slices. Phil is going through the cupboards, throwing stuff into bags.

PHIL:

What about the Lean Mean Fat Fighting Machine?

WES

Hurry up - we've got only got ninety seconds before the

cops get here.

PHIL

They've got a wicked juicer, can I have it?

WES

Just put it in the sack.

PHIL puts the juicer in the sack with a load of fruit and a coconut from the fridge, then opens the freezer and unzips his flies.

WES:

What you doing, you fanny?

PHIL

I'm gonna whizz in the fridge.

WES:

Why?

PHIL:

Coz I'm mean, man. I'm gonna ruin all their food! It's my

calling card innit.A third burglar enters the kitchen, NORMAN. He has raided the bedrooms.

WES:

Well?

NORMAN:

Ali Baba's cave! (Holding up jewelry)

JEAN:

Please, no, I beg you. They were my mother's!

NORMAN

And now they're mine.

PHIL is still trying to pee in the fridge, but he has a problem.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas5.

PHIL:

(Frustrated) Why is it you can never go when you really

want to!

We hear the distant sound of police sirens.

WES:

Go! Out the back door.

PHIL:

(indicating to his urethra)

Hold on - it's coming.

There is no time. WES grabs PHIL and drags him out as the urine starts to squirt out all over the floor and the hostages.

They run out the back door into the lovely garden and straight into JASON

SLACK, a 25 year old man who is standing on a step, lit by the moon, pointing a

gun at them. JASON is scruffy, old jeans, t-shirt, jacket and steel capped boots.

JASON:

Neighbourhood Watch. Put those things back would you?

WES shows no fear. The other two are a little scared.

WES

Fuck off! That’s a replica.

BANG! The gun fires. Jason shoots WES’s foot without batting an eyelid. WES

yelps and falls to the floor clutching his foot, the others run in separate

directions, but it takes Wes a while to realise that he hasn’t actually been shot.

The gun fired a blank, but it was enough to startle him.

JASON

Correct.

Jason, like Rambo in ‘First Blood’, kicks WES in the face. He’s out. He then goes

after Norman who is running across the grass. Jason does a sliding tackle into his

knee caps, crack! Norman falls backwards and Jason elbows him in the nose.

Whack!

PHIL is clinging onto his stolen goods, trying to climb over the wall, half his body

is already over, his legs are hanging down.

JASON (CONT’D)

Where do you think you’re going?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas6.

JASON grabs his ankles and gives him a huge tug. PHIL comes crashing down to the floor. PHIL kicks JASON in the face leaving a muddy boot print, JASON

reaches over to a coconut which has fallen out of PHIL’s bag and smack! The

coconut explodes on his head. PHIL passes out.

Seconds later, two police cars pull up outside the house and run around the side

entrance.

PC WAY

This way, quick!

The Police run around the back and look on bemused.

PC WAY:

Eh?

Reveal PHIL, WES and NORMAN handcuffed and hanging from the rotary washing line. The family have been set free and all of their belongings are back on the table with a note. PC WAY picks it up and reads it.

WAY

Get here quicker next time.

He screws up the paper and violently throws it, but it hits the youngest child in

the face by accident.

WAY (CONT’D)

Sorry.

Hackney, a block of council flats over looking the arse end of the Regent’s Canal.

Lots of bikes on balconies, huge satellite dishes, dogs barking. Grim.

Close up on some milk boiling over in a saucepan. It is just after 6 am. JUSTYN,

a 13 year old boy in the top half of his school uniform, is simultaneously making

breakfast, washing up and pressing his trousers with an iron. We can hear

Natasha Kaplinski droning on BBC Breakfast, more talk of the London Marathon.

The flat inside is immaculate.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas7.

Jason creeps in clutching his wrist and nursing a bloody nose. He has blood on

his shirt and a boot mark on his face. JUSTYN walks into the bathroom with the

iron (to add more water), without seeing JASON who walks into the kitchen,

takes a pack of Alphabites from the freezer and presses them to his head. He

pours himself a vodka, lime and soda and downs it in one. Justyn catches him.

JUSTYN

Drinking? First thing in the morning?

JASON

Or last thing at the end of a long night, depends which way

you look at it.

JUSTYN

Where have you been?

JASON

Nowhere. Make me a cup of tea.

JUSTYN

I’ve had enough of this! I’ve got my own life too you

know.

JASON

Oh yeah, I forgot, watching the Omnibus edition of

Hollyoaks and having a nob waddle over the cover of

‘Men’s Health.’

Justyn ignores him.

JUSTYN

I’ve done the washing, the ironing, made dinner, which

you haven’t eaten, breakfast that has gone cold. I was up

revision and I’ve got two exams today.

JASON

What are you trying to say?

JUSTYN

I’m trying to say it would be nice for you to help

Sometimes or at least let me know where you were.

Justyn pours the tea.

JASON

I was busy. Now, get me some tea and Shreddies, pronto.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas8.

JUSTYN

I’m not stupid. I know what you’ve been doing.

JASON

You know diddley shits.

JUSTYN

Coming home all messed up like that, disappearing all

night... You’re a pimp aren’t you and a crack addict.

Jason spits out his tea and laughs.

JASON

Don’t be a fucking berk. You don’t even know what a

pimp is.

JUSTYN

I do! There’s one in ‘Grand Theft Auto.’

JASON

I’m not a pimp.

JUSTYN

Whatever you are, or whatever you do, just...(trying not

to cry) just be careful okay. You’re all I’ve got left.

Jason softens.

JASON

Come here, shitface.

He hugs Justyn.

JASON (CONT’D)

Don’t worry about me, I won’t let you down. I promise.

We’ve all got our ways of dealing with what happened,

this is my way.

JUSTYN

What is it then?

JASON

I can’t tell you but you just have to trust me and not

worry.

They hear footsteps outside the front door. Jason panics.

JUSTYN

Who’s that?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas9.

JASON

Shhhh. Get in the bathroom, lock the door.

Jason walks to the front door and peeks through the spy hole. Cut to his POV as a battering ram comes flying toward the spy hole. BANG! The door crashes down onto Jason’s face, knocking him backward onto the floor. Armed police storm in running over the door.

BURLY POLICEMAN

Where’d he go?

There is a groan under the door.

Tight close up of D.S RUTHERFORD in a dark room behind a two way mirror. She is hard faced, small and has a size issue.

D.S RUTHERFORD

Okay Norman, take a good look and tell me, which one

attacked you last night.

We reveal Norman, one of the burglars from previous night covered in plasters, bruises and bandages. He is taking a good look.

We cut to a shot of the suspects. Pan along from right to left we see one, two, three JASON lookalikes - and then we come to the fourth who has his back to us.

D.S RUTHERFORD:

Number four - turn around and stop being a wanker!

JASON turns, with his hands covering his face, which is even more bruised `` and battered than before.

D.S RUTHERFORD:

Number four, take your hands away from your face!

JASON:

Not until I see my solicitor. This is bullshit. I’ve got two black eyes and a broken door!

She gives a signal and the BURLY POLICEMAN barges into the line up room, whacks JASON in the chops, grabs his face and rams it up against the glass - all

squashed and buttered.

BURGLAR TWO

That's him! That's the one.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas10.

JASON is sat at a desk in an interview room like a naughty school sat behind after

school, behaving rather waggishly. RUTHERFORD enters and clicks on the

digital recorder in the interview room.

JASON

Is this going to take long? I'm a very busy man you know.

I'm missing 'Turner and Hooch' on ITV2

RUTHERFORD:

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself Jason

JASON

Me? Loving every second. This is my ideal way to spend a

Friday night.

JASON smiles, the cocky bugger.

JASON (CONT’D)

So come on then, spill the bean bags. What have done

wrong? Hmm? I can’t wait to find out.

RUTHERFORD is not in the mood.

RUTHERFORD:

Do you recognize this man?

She holds up an old school photo of PHIL, the man JASON hit with a coconut.

JASON

(facetiously)

No. Never seen him before in my life. Sorry about that.

Can I go now?

RUTHERFORD:

He's dead.

JASON's face freezes as Rutherford drops a bombshell. JASON cannot disguise

his shock.

JASON

What?

RUTHERFORD:

Died on the way to the hospital. Brain hemorrhage. So I'm

sorry to spoil the fun, but you do face a murder charge

and a life sentence, plus another couple of years for

carrying a replica firearm, G.B.H.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas11.

JASON

Look, it weren’t me.

RUTHERFORD

Really? The deceased’s boot.

Rutherford produces a boot. She holds the sole next to Jason’s face, the marks

on his face match that of the treads on the sole. JASON puts his head in his

hands. RUTHERFORD pulls out Jason’s file.

RUTHERFORD (CONT’D)

Maybe you can recall an incident on December 12th last

year? At approximately 9.15pm you assaulted six youths

in London Fields.

JASON

They were mugging an old couple walking home from

Tescos Metro. I stopped them, that’s all.

RUTHERFORD

Two of them had to have plastic surgery!

JASON

(shrugs)

They were ugly anyway.

RUTHERFORD

How about Christmas Eve, 2006 when you hit a Mr Peter

Ford from Barnsbury over the head with a cricket bat?

JASON

He was flashing his balls at school girls!

RUTHERFORD

He suffered from a mental illness!

JASON

get rewards from Crime Stoppers for this sort of thing.

RUTHERFORD

You don’t get rewards for killing people!

JASON

Look, I'm doing you lot a favour. These people are nut

jobs, junkie plumbers and sex pests, not the bloody

Tweenies.

RUTHERFORD:

Maybe so, but the law is the law, vigilantism is illegal and

so is murder. This isn’t a film or a comic book, Jason.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas12.

This is real life with real people who die when you crack

their skulls with coconuts!

JASON

Just show me to my cell. I’m tired. I want a lay down. And

I want a new door!

JANET TIER the HOME SECRETARY is resting at home on Saturday morning,reading the papers, most of them full of stories about the MMP. However, she’s more interested in Jordan’s armpits on the cover of HEAT. There are stacks of red folders on her desk with the Westminster Stamp on them. Then a knock on the door.

JANET

Who is it?

Her seven year old son, BEN runs to the window. He sees an Ocado van

outside and a delivery man walking up the path,

BEN

Ocado.

Ben runs back into the garden playing tennis against the wall. Janet opens the door. The DELIVERY MAN is standing there her shopping bags. He’s a cheeky chappy. Also out the front of the house are members of Special Branch, sitting in their unmarked car doing Suduko.

DELIVERY MAN

Hello Miss, where do you want this lot?

JANET

Oh, in the kitchen thanks.

The Delivery Man walks in with the bags and shuts the door behind him.

The Delivery Man follows Janet through to the kitchen. He’s cockney, a bit dim.

DELIVERY MAN

Forgive me, but I know you don’t I? I’ve seen you on

Newsround. What do you do again?

JANET

I’m the Home Secretary.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas13.

DELIVERY MAN

JANET

Fine

Janet checks the receipt and the bags.

JANET (CONT'D)

You’ve replaced onions with light bulbs!

DELIVERY MAN

Yes. They’re bulbs aren’t they?

Janet inspects all of the bags.

JANET

You’ve replaced everything with light bulbs. What’s going

on?

She looks up and sees a rolling pin smash her between the eyes. She falls to the

floor. The Delivery Man has transformed from bumbly chap to ruthless killer. All

smiles disappear as he takes out a syringe and shoves it in her neck pumping her

full of liquid.

Ben is playing tennis against the wall when he hears the front door slam.

BEN

Mum? Mum?

No reply. He walks into the kitchen and screams. His mum is on the floor,

unconscious with a syringe sticking out of her neck. On her back another note,

‘MMP BAN IT OR DIE.’

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas14.

We are in the attic of a house. It’s large, with beams across the floor, polystyrene balls all over the place with a central boarded area. EDWARD JENNER is pacing up and down, the boarded area staring at a phone. He is 35, Worried.

BARBARA JENNER is his wife, she is calm and collected. She walks into the loft and gingerly walking along the wooden beams, being careful not to put a foot wrong and through the ceiling. They are both middleclass and well spoken.

BARBARA

He took a whole bottle of Calpol to go down...

Edward isn’t listening, still staring at the phone.

BARBARA (CONT'D)

Has he called?

EDWARD

No...Not yet. I can’t bear the tension. I’ve got pins and

needles in my stomach,

Edward bites his nails. Barbara sighs at his uselessness.

BARBARA

Ring him then. And don’t bite your nails.

Edward picks up the phone.

The BOGUS DELIVERY MAN is speeding down the road when his mobile phone

rings. In the back of the van behind him, amongst the shopping is the real delivery

man, stripped naked and probably dead.

EDWARD:

Well?

BOGUS DELIVERY MAN:

Piece of piss. Hold on, I can’t talk and drive it’s illegal. Let

me get my hands free...

The BOGUS DELIVERY MAN leans forward to get his hands free from the glove

compartment, whilst his eyes are off the road, a convertible 1983 red Mercedes

pull out of a turning in front of him.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas15.

BOGUS DELIVERY MAN: (CONT'D)

Found it.

He looks up, sees the Mercedes coming at him. He slams on the breaks, but it’s

too late...

Edward and Barbara listen in as they hear a horrendous crash/scream and then the

phone cuts off. There is a silence.

EDWARD:

Do you think something’s gone wrong?

BARBARA rolls her eyes.

Jason is on a pay phone talking to his brother Justyn. He has been locked up all

night.

JASON

Sorry I didn’t come back for dinner Justyn, I’ve been

arrested...Oh, you know, GBH, murder, that kind of

thing...Yeah well, shit happens. Can you bring me a

toothbrush and my foot cream, I can’t sleep another night

with dry feet, they’re like jacket potatoes.

THE BURLY POLICE MAN snatches the receiver and hangs up. RUTHERFORD is

behind him.

JASON (CONT’D)

Oi! I haven’t finished.

RUTHERFORD

(reluctant)

You’re free to go.

The BURLY COP drags JASON out of the door.

JASON

What? How come?

RUTHERFORD

You made bail, as they say.

JASON

(baffled)

I did?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas16.

RUTHERFORD

Enjoy your freedom while you can.

The BURLY POLICE MAN throws JASON onto the road. JASON checks his

hands, realising all of his rings and belongings have not been given back to him, but

before he can say or do anything a blue 1983 Mercedes convertible skids up right

in front of him, missing him by inches. We are looking up from his point of view

so cannot see the driver. The number plate reads RVN2

JASON

Oi! What do you think you’re doing?

Jason sees the driver. MAIDA VALE. She is about 18, full of bad attitude - Lily

Allen type. Goth and plump. She looks like the type of girl who goes to festivals

and hasn’t washed for a while. Died dark hair, pasty skin. Without making eye

contact or cracking her face she says:

MAIDA

Get in.

JASON

Whatever you say...

Jason is still bemused. With a good scrub up she could be very attractive he

Thinks. He gets in the car, she still refuses to look at him, and before he even

gets the chance to shut the door, she whips gear stick car into SPORTS mode and

WHOOSH! They pull away at tremendous speed.

MAIDA VALE is driving extremely fast in and out of the traffic. JASON is on edge,

but trying to remain cool.

JASON

Hello. My name’s Jason. What’s yours?

She ignores him.

JASON (CONT’D)

Where are we going exactly...Watch out!

She narrowly misses a cyclist.

JASON (CONT’D)

Alright, slow down, unless you want me to ruin your

seats.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas17.

She ignores him again as she speeds through a bus lane.

JASON (CONT’D)

Bus lane you idiot!

She whizzes through a red light, JASON is now clutching the dashboard. There

are signs around reading ‘Sunday, 1st April London Marathon - Road closed.’

JASON (CONT’D)

Okay, you can drive fast, well done, a million points. Can

you slow down now please, I can feel my kidneys in my

throat.

She skids around a corner ignoring a ‘NO LEFT TURN’ sign.

An overhead shot of the Mercedes speeding up the Mall, past Buckingham Palace

and headlong toward Wellington Arch.

JASON

things to do! People to see! Places to go and Turner and

Hooch is on ITV2 this afternoon.

The Arch is getting closer and closer still.... They are about to crash. Certain

death imminent. JASON buries his head in his hands. Suddenly they screech to a

halt, parking underneath the arch. JASON holding breath, slowly exhales and

peeks through his fingers. She hops out of the car and disappears inside the Arch

without saying a word. There is also a red mercedes parked under the arch with

the number plate RVN 1. The same one that we saw previously.

JASON

Erm...Hello?

Intrigued, he follows her inside the Arch.

INT. WELLINGTON ARCH: ENTRANCE. DAY

JASON enters Wellington Arch. He is amazed.

JASON (CONT’D)

Wowsers.

The place is vast and beautiful. It has been converted into a luxury apartment.

Priceless paintings on the wall, portraits, the lot. It’s like Lex Luthor’s lair in the

original 1978 ‘Superman’ film.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas18.

We see a family photo of MAIDA VALE, as a child, there is a teenage boy next to

her and their mum and dad. She looked happy then. Jason hears arguing upstairs.

RAVEN O.S

Come on, how long are you going to keep this up? It’s

boring...Don’t be so bloody spoilt! Say something!

MAIDA O.S

did what you asked me to, just give me my pocket

money.

RAVEN O.S

Is two thousand enough?

MAIDA O.S

It’ll do.

A door slams as JASON enters the living room.

Jason enters a huge open plan room, height of luxury, ultra modern. There is a

white grand piano, vast widescreen tv, a kitchen, bar, Turner on the walls. It’s

quite spectacular, but a bit nouveau riche. We see framed pictured of RAVEN

donning the covers of TIME, TATLER, ES Magazine and Esquire Magazines

throughout the 70s, 80s and 90s. Awards from The Prince’s Trust, framed letters

of thanks from The Queen, Maggie Thatcher, Tony Blair, President Clinton,

Gordon Brown, Hale and Pace.

RAVEN is pacing up and down. He’s a smart, trim 58 year old chap. He has the

complexion of a wealthy, well travelled man, but his sleeves are rolled up and he

has blood on his hands. Lots of energy and dry wit. Friendly and open. Not

afraid to show his feelings.

RAVEN

Women. Tch!

RAVEN turns to JASON as if he’s known him all of his life. Jason is perplexed.

RAVEN (CONT’D)

I mean what do I say to her? What more can you do? She’s

gone totally nitwits. Did she say anything to you in the

car?

JASON

Nah.

RAVEN

Was she acting strangely at all?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas19.

JASON

Just a bit suicidal.

RAVEN

Nothing strange about that. I don’t know. You bring

Them up, try your best, give them everything they want,

worry yourself sick over them and then you get shit

thrown in your face.

Raven walks over to his bar and pours himself a Malibu and Coke.

RAVEN (CONT’D)

When I was her age I was working fourteen hours a day

down Smithfield Market. I spent more time with gammon

Than I did with girls. ...Vodka, lime and soda?

Raven pours Jason his drink of choice. How does he know this?

JASON

Who are you? What do you want? What’s going on?

RAVEN

Do you want me to answer all of those questions?

JASON

Yes...Actually, no, just the first one.

RAVEN

My name’s Raven.

JASON

Raven? Raven what?

RAVEN

Just Raven.

JASON

Sounds a bit dodgy to me.

RAVEN

Really? Lots of people have just the one name. Bono, Sting

- Shrek. See. Nothing dodgy about that.

JASON

Raven Enterprises, the man who owns the Airlines and

Megastores and all that are you?

RAVEN:

Guilty.

JASON

You’re like all the Dragon’s From Dragon’s Den rolled

into one.

RAVEN:

I’ve much more successful than that bunch of lightweights.

Retired now, mind. These days I work for a Top Secret

secret.

JASON

Never heard of it.

RAVEN

That’s because it’s a secret. It wouldn’t be a secret if

you’d heard of it would it, you pebble!

JASON

to be secret, but everyone knows it exists.

RAVEN

This is even more secret than the secret service. It’s so

secret even the secret service doesn’t know about it. You

see after 30 years or whenever it is, all ‘Secret’

information legally becomes public knowledge. Well, the

stuff I deal with will never, ever get out.

JASON

Who runs it?

RAVEN

Me.

JASON

And who works in it?

RAVEN

Me.

JASON

And who funds it?

RAVEN

That’ll be me. I decided to invest all of my money into a

better cause. I used to help myself, now I help others.

Raven sits back in his chair.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas21.

RAVEN:

(reeling off information)

So, Jason Slack. Born 12th December 1982, Homerton

Hospital, Hackney. Mother died when you were ten and

your father twelve years later. Spent a year in borstal

robbing your own house - the first teenager to be put

inside for insurance fraud, not bad. Currently single,

looking after your brother, you’re an unemployed, full

time vigilante. Your favourite food is steak and waffles,

your favourite films are ‘Death Wish,’ ‘Get Carter’ and

‘Watership Down’, your favourite band Genesis, 1970 -

1976.

JASON

Do you know the size of my nob as well?

RAVEN

Five and a half inches. When flaccid of course.

JASON

You’re good.

RAVEN:

Believe it or not, I’m a vigilante, just like you only I’ve got

a special licence from the Prime Minister. You see, there

are certain things that the police, Mi5 or the army can’t do

legally. You know, the Geneva Convention, red tape,

Amnesty International, Comic Relief, etcetera.

JASON

You mean they can’t beat the shit out of people to teach

them a lesson.

RAVEN:

Something like that. That’s where I come in. Normally I

deal with gangs, burglars, drug dealers, small time stuff.

But I’ve just uncovered something very frightening.

Something big and frankly catastrophic is going to happen

JASON

And you want my help?

RAVEN

Good guess. I’ve been watching you. You’re exactly what

I’ve been looking for.

JASON

No thanks. I don’t want to work for anyone. Toodle pips.

Jason downs his drink and goes to leave.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas22.

RAVEN

Wait. I haven’t finished yet. If you help me, you’ll never

have to worry about money again, I’ll put your brother

into the best school, he’ll get the best care and I’ll keep

you out of prison.

JASON

And if I don’t?

RAVEN

Nothing.

JASON

RAVEN

Nope. I’ll just open those doors and you can leave...a

convicted murderer with a life sentence over your head.

Good luck.

JASON

That’s blackmail.

RAVEN

In an eggshell, yes.

JASON stares at RAVEN. Unsure.

JASON

Look, I can’t do this anymore. I’ve promised my little

brother and...

RAVEN:

Fine, listen. It’s fine. No need to make excuses, I

understand. I’m sorry to waste your time.

JASON

Okay...

JASON makes for the door, thinking of his options. RAVEN watches and counts

down to himself knowing that Jason will change his mind. He starts to pour Jason

a second drink.

RAVEN:

(to himself)

Five, four, threw, two...

As Raven guessed, on ‘One’ Jason stops and turns. His mind changed. RAVEN

smiles and hands him a second Vodka, Lime and Soda.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas23.

RAVEN: (CONT’D)

Excellent.

They chink glasses. Jason not so keen.

Cut to - Fast paced briefing. RAVEN leading Jason through the Arch into a

corridor and into a lift.

RAVEN

Last night the Minister of Health was kidnapped, drugged

and left to die outside Number 10.

JASON

(interrupting)

Good. He’s a cock. My dad was on a waiting list for nine

months because of him. I hope he dies like my dad did.

RAVEN

Mmmm. That’s not exactly the reaction I hoped for.

Anyhow, following that, the Home Secretary was also

attacked. Both victims has this stapled to their chest.

He hands Jason a piece of paper with some tweezers.

JASON:

(reads)

MMP - Ban or Die.

RAVEN:

You know what MMP is?

JASON

Of course I do....What is it?

RAVEN:

It’s a vaccine for Mumps, Measles and Pox. MMP see. You

get all three in one jab.

JASON:

(Reading)

And what about PTO? Is that another vaccination?

RAVEN:

Eh?

JASON:

There on the letter, ‘P.T.O’ What does that mean? Piles,

Tummyrot and ... what diseases begin with ‘O...?’

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas24.

RAVEN:

It means ‘Please Turn Over,’ you bracket.

JASON

I knew that.

JASON turns over and reads.

JASON:

‘This Sunday we will release a highly contagious, deadly

virus to which only we have the cure. This is your last

chance to ban the vaccine and save Alistair Philips’ life and

the lives of millions more.’

(Indicating the piece of paper)

How did you get this?

INT. LIFT. DAY

Raven and Jason enter a lift.

RAVEN

From the kidnapper.

JASON

What? You caught him?

RAVEN

Yep, we had a little car mistake this afternoon. I haven’t

got him to talk...yet...

The lift doors open in the basement.

RAVEN leads JASON out of the life into the basement and along another

corridor.

RAVEN

..he’s still unconscious in the interrogation, slash, torture

slash, utility room. All he had on him was this mobile

phone.

JASON

Did you check it for any messages?

RAVEN:

There weren’t any - nor any contacts. All empty. The

phone isn’t even registered to anyone. He’s in here.

RAVEN gets to a door and proudly opens it...

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas25.

...Only to find there is no one there, just an empty chair, with a rope, a hose, a

washing machine, ironing board, boxes and old shoes, general crap you store

away in a utility cupboard. There is a wall with TV screens, security cameras

throughout the arch and on the street. It’s Raven’s fortress.

JASON

Where is he?

RAVEN looks worried. He checks around the room and inside the tumble drier.

RAVEN

Good question.

We hear a scream upstairs.

RAVEN (CONT’D)

Passion of the Christ! Maida Vale!

JASON

Maida Vale? What’s your son called? Theydon Bois?

RAVEN legs it out of the room, he is not laughing.

The Bogus Delivery Man has taken Maida Vale hostage. He is wearing vest and

pants. They are standing on the ledge of Wellington Arch. He has a syringe held

to her throat and his arm around her neck. His armpit in her face. RAVEN and

JASON run onto the roof terrace. There are flock of pigeons gathered on the

ledge. JASON glances at them.

MAIDA

Get him off me!

RAVEN

you know who I am?

MAIDA

I can’t take this any longer, his armpits are rank!

DELIVERY MAN

I wouldn’t come any closer if I were you. One drop of this

and she’s dead.

He makes a stab at RAVEN who jumps back. Maida taunts her captor.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas26.

MAIDA

What did you have for dinner last night? (She retches)

RAVEN

Whatever they’re paying you, I’ll treble it. More than that,

name your price.

DELIVERY MAN

This is not about money!

MAIDA

Phwor! And his breath smells like rusty bumholes.

JASON:

Come on mate, calm down. Yeah, your mother never

loved you, your dad used to beat you up and you were

is it? Let her go.

MAIDA

I don’t believe this, his stinking arm juice has just dripped

onto shoulder.

DELIVERY MAN

(Thrusting needle)

I mean it! Stay - back!

MAIDA

He forgot to ‘roll on the Mum’ this morning.

RAVEN:

The softly softly taskforce approach won’t work on him,

he’s a crazy merchant.

MAIDA

I’ve had enough of this!

RAVEN

Maida ! No!

But it’s too late, MAIDA elbows the Bogus Delivery Man in the stomach! He

doubles over, she then knees him in the groin. JASON grabs some change from his pocket and throws it at the pigeons, which immediately take flight, blocking the camera and flying into the Delivery Man’s face, he stumbles, still holding onto Maida Vale, he’s about to take her over the ledge with him when she struggles free and he falls backwards. This all happens in a flash.

DELIVERY MAN

Agghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Thump. Crack. RAVEN, JASON and MAIDA run over and see the ground below.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas27.

RAVEN

What did you do that for? I needed him alive!

JASON

He was going to kill her!

But MAIDA VALE has more pressing issues.

MAIDA

Ow!

RAVEN

What’s wrong?!

MAIDA

There’s something digging in my back.

RAVEN turns her around. It’s the syringe.

Raven’s car skids off the drive and through the streets of London at 80mph.

RAVEN:

Don’t touch her. She could be infected.

MAIDA

It hurts!

JASON

Where are we going?

RAVEN:

Hospital.

EDWARD and BARBARA are sitting in their loft staring at their phone.

BARBARA

He’s been caught and he is grassing us all up as we speak. I

knew I should have done it myself. He’s got the will

power of a sponge. They’ll tear him to pieces.

EDWARD

Ring him, see if he’s okay.

BARBARA

If I ring him, they’ll have our number, you twat.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas28.

BARBARA (CONT’D)

Let’s say he has been caught , what’s the contingency plan?

EDWARD

What?

BARBARA

You must have a contingency? A ‘Plan B?’

EDWARD

Of course I’ve got a contingency plan.

EDWARD clearly hasn’t and is trying to think of one on the spot.

BARBARA

What is it?

EDWARD

What? The contingency plan? What’s my contingency plan?

BARBARA

You haven’t got one have you?

EDWARD

I have!

There is long pause. She looks at him. He looks at her, he is struggling very hard.

EDWARD (CONT’D)

I haven’t.

BARBARA

I don’t believe this!

EDWARD

I didn’t think I’d need one, did I! I don’t know what we’re

going to do.

Edward starts to cry. Barbara slaps him across the face and walks out.

BARBARA

Why did I marry such a flannel! Luckily muggins here has

an idea!

She picks up the phone and we cut to:

Underneath the streets of London sits ‘The Royal Expensive,’ a very secret

hospital for very secret people.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas29.

MAIDA VALE in a quarantined in a glass chamber undergoing tests. The Doctors

inside are all wearing white protective overalls. Doctor Chives appears from a

ward, she has just finished a phone conversation. She is a smart, thin and super fit

(in the healthy sense) 29 year old scientist. Plain looking, glasses. She is very

severe and serious.

DOCTOR CHIVES:

Well, the good news is that you’re both clean.

RAVEN:

What about my daughter?

DOCTOR CHIVES:

(Shakes head) It’s the same as Alistair Philips and the

Home Secretary. We have to be careful, it’s highly

contagious and airborne. She has to be quarantined.

She nods at door to the next chamber. Raven and Jason look through and see The

Home Secretary. Her face is puffed up, her neck twice the size, face as green as a

human can get - and she’s and covered in pox.

JASON:

She looks like Mr Toad’s fat grandad.

DOCTOR CHIVES:

So would you if you had killer mumps , measles and pox.

JASON

Killer mumps? You’re joking?

DOCTOR CHIVES

I don’t joke. I can’t. Medical reasons. Fell out of tree

when I was six, lost my sense of humour and my hair. My

hair grew back, my sense of humour did not.

JASON

You’re kidding!

DOCTOR CHIVES

Kidding is a form of joking and I don’t have a sense of

humour remember.

RAVEN:

What’s happened to them?

DOCTOR CHIVES

They have been infected by a lethal strand of the virus

which I have never seen before. Alistair’s parotid glands

are on the verge of bursting which makes it impossible for

him to swallow and his temperature is 104 degrees. And

now her he’s contracted Encephalitis.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas30.

RAVEN:

English please.

DOCTOR CHIVES

Inflammation of the brain.

JASON:

How long has he got?

DOCTOR CHIVES:

Two days maximum.

RAVEN:

(panic) And the cure?

DOCTOR CHIVES:

We’re working around the clock. It could take a week,

maybe longer.

RAVEN

Then we have no choice. We have to get the antidote.

The Adviser enters. Raven is calm, he knows there is one way to solve the

situation and expects The Adviser to understand. The Adviser is a public

schoolgirl, Cambridge Educated, 41, very attractive. Looks much younger than

she is. Too old for Jason, too young for Raven. She is devoid of emotions. It’s

her job, but this makes her even more appealing.

THE ADVISER:

This better be good. I’m supposed to be watching

Gambon and Finney in ‘The Puppetry of the Penis’ at the

National.

Jason looks at the Adviser.

JASON

(aside)

Who’s this?

DOCTOR CHIVES

Chief adviser to The Prime Minister. Probably the most

powerful person in the country. And the most odious.

RAVEN:

My daughter is infected with the same virus and is going to

die unless you ban the MMP.

THE ADVISER:

Out of the question.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas31.

RAVEN:

What? Oh come on. Just get on the phone to the Prime

Minister and tell him to ban it.

THE ADVISER:

Raven, you know I couldn’t do that, even if I wanted to.

RAVEN:

This is my daughter we’re talking about!

Behind them, Jason looks up at the TV screen and sees a news report about the

London Marathon - this Sunday. Something twigs.

JASON

And it’s not just her. Hundreds of thousands more.

They both turn to Jason who is pointing at the TV.

JASON (CONT’D)

They’re going to release the virus at the Marathon - this

Sunday! Think about it, thousands of people, from all over

the world, crowded together, puffing, panting coughing

and gobbing over each other.

THE ADVISER

Who is this? Your new bum boy?

JASON

‘New?’

THE ADVISER

Raven, the number one rule of politics, never, ever

...erm, what was it? Oh yes never give into the demands

of terrorists.

RAVEN:

Bollocks to the rules! Come on, don’t be a bastard, show

some emotion for once.

THE ADVISER

It’s my job not to.

RAVEN:

After all I’ve done for you!

THE ADVISER

The answer is no.

JASON

Can’t you just cancel the Marathon?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas32.

ADVISER:

Besides, the favourite to win in British and we need a bit

of good news and someone to inspire the fatties out

there to get exercising. Then there’s the whole 2012

Olympics...if this gets out, what will the Committee say?

Seb Coe will go tittybananas.

RAVEN looks at his daughter in despair.

RAVEN

Please...

ADVISER

Sorry Raven, you’re on your own.

The Adviser looks at Raven and sees that he is about to swing for her, she turns

and runs out.

RAVEN

Then it looks like it’s down to us Jason...Jason?

But Jason has gone.

JASON arrives home to an empty house. The door has been changed and he has

no key. He creeps around the back to the cat flap. Pops his hand through, reaches

up and gets the back door key. He opens the door and enters.

JASON

Hello. Justyn?

No answer. That’s strange. Jason takes a look around the house when he hears

the door open. JASON picks up a hockey stick turns and swings when he sees

RAVEN who catches the end with his fist, he has fast reflexes for an older man.

RAVEN

Don’t run away from me again. I don’t like it.

JASON

Where is he? What have you done with him?

RAVEN

Now isn’t the time. Dr Chives just rang. We’ve got a

lead.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas33.

JASON

Tell me where he is or I’ll shove this hockey stick up right

up your Calcutta.

RAVEN

Your brother is at the morgue.

JASON

What’s he doing there?

Raven waits a second.

RAVEN

Identifying your body.

JASON

What?!

RAVEN

I was going to tell you, but, what with all the excitement

and everything...

JASON

You bastard!

JASON swings the hockey stick again, RAVEN grabs it with both hands and forces

JASON up against the wall, the stick under his chin . Boy, he’s strong. JASON

chokes. He doesn’t scare easily, but he knows that he shouldn’t mess with

Raven.

RAVEN

It was the only way, trust me.

JASON

Trust you!?

RAVEN

Believe it or not Jason, without me you are nothing. I’m

the only person who can save you from life in prison.

Killing you off was the only way to do it. Now we really

must leave. Your brother will be home any second and he

doesn’t need another shock.

Jason and Raven are in the car. Jason is not happy.

JASON

How did I die?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas34.

RAVEN:

Fire. There won’t be much to recognise. Just the rings on

your fingers.

JASON

I’ll never be able to see him again.

RAVEN:

(remorseful)

...No.

JASON

Who’s going to look after him?

RAVEN:

Your aunt and uncle.

JASON

I’d never have agreed to help.

RAVEN:

Exactly.

JASON is furious. He kicks his feet petulantly.

JASON

This isn’t fair!

RAVEN:

Life isn’t fair!

JASON

Yeah, what would you know? Driving your fancy car,

living in your multimillion pound bloody Monument,

counting your millions?

RAVEN skids to a halt. He’s had enough. He takes out a photo from his pocket

and shows it to Jason.

RAVEN:

My Son. Will. Went to Party in the Park seven years ago.

Then Coldplay came on so he left early.

JASON

I don’t blame him.

RAVEN:

On his way home, he was stabbed six times.

Jason shakes his head. Genuinely saddened and shocked. All flippancy gone.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas35.

RAVEN: (CONT’D)

The man who did it stole five pounds from his wallet. That

was all. Five poxy pounds. He was nineteen.

JASON

Look....I...

Behind them a traffic jam is forming where Raven has stopped in the road.

RAVEN:

Doesn’t end there. He crawled all of the way home. A

mile through the park. No one helped him. No one rang

the police or called an ambulance, they turned away.

Probably thought he was pissed or had been in a fight, I

mean, that’s what boys of his age do isn’t it? He knocked

on the front door, that’s when I found him. I held him in

my arms, he looked at me, he smiled, and then he died.

for him.

Cars are starting to beep behind.

JASON

What about your wife?

RAVEN:

She’s alive, but she doesn’t know it. She doesn’t know

anything anymore. Maida Vale has always blamed me for

what happened. She says I should have picked him up that

night and she’s right, but I didn’t, and I have to live with

that for the rest of my life.

JASON

I’m sorry.

RAVEN:

So am I - and now I could lose her too. So Jason, please,

are you bloody well with me or not?

JASON nods.

WALKABOUT, the Antipodean bar is heaving. RAVEN and JASON enter. There

are lots of rowdy Aussies and South Africans drinking shots of Tequila, playing

indoor rugby, scrumming. A hateful place. Jason is still brooding. He doesn’t

want to be dead.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas36.

JASON

I thought you were supposed to meet ‘insiders’ in

deserted car parks or an old factories. Having said that,

this place is just as horrible.

RAVEN

Always meet people where you’d least expect.

JASON

How will you recognise him?

RAVEN

By the expression on his face.

JASON

What’s that then?

RAVEN:

He’ll look like he’s crapping himself.

They see MR X in the corner of the pub looking nervously at the bar bites. He’s a

Dr David Kelly figure. 50, bearded, glasses, dry mouth. Irish. He has a ruck sack

on his lap.

JASON

He passes my ‘crap yourself’ test.

RAVEN

Get the drinks in. Large Malibu for me and a brandy for

worry guts over there.

Raven and Mr X are pretending to play the Who Wants to Be A Millionaire quiz

whilst having a secret chat.

MR X

Ten years ago myself and a team of scientists at Imperial

College were employed by the pharmaceutical company

Smixco Balthazar, to develop a new all in one vaccine for

mumps, measles and pox.

JASON

D. Herbie Goes Bananas.

JASON arrives with the drinks and presses the screen. RAVEN rolls his eyes.

‘Who Wants to Be A Millionaire’, it’s so 1999. Haven’t

they got ‘Golden Balls’ with Jasper Carrot?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas37.

RAVEN:

He’s with me. Carry on.

MR X

We tested it on 500 children, everything was working

wonders, no more dicking about with three separate jabs.

One jab immunized the child against the whole lot. The

Government threw their weight behind it and Smixco

Balthazar makes a bundle. They’ve cornered the market.

Everyone is happy...Until we discovered injections

created hormone deficiencies, a tiny percentage of

children began to develop abnormal hair and muscle

growth as a direct result of the jab.

JASON presses the screen.

JASON

D. Watermelon.

RAVEN:

No it’s A, Cumquat.

RAVEN presses the screen. It’s the right answer.

MR X

I confronted Smixco himself and explained the situation.

He said he’d look into it. The following day, I was fired.

All evidence was destroyed. A week later I got a cheque

quiet...I did and I’ve regretted it ever since. I needed the

money you see, I’d just bought a new kitchen from

Magnets.

JASON:

B) Stephen Hendry.

RAVEN:

What happened to the rest of the team?

MR X

All six of them, dead. They didn’t accept the bribe. Now

you can see why I’m terrified. If they find out I’ve spoken

to you, they will kill me too. Look in the collection tray.

JASON and RAVEN look down in the tray, there is memory stick hidden there.

JASON

Memory stick?

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas38.

MR X

Take it home and have a look. Everything you need to

know is on there. I have to go.

Mr X downs his brandy and goes to leave, distressed.

JASON

(dramatic)

One more thing...

MR X stops and turns, he hasn’t much time, his life in danger, this better be good.

MR X

What?

JASON

In which year was the Very Hungry Caterpillar first

published? a) 1977 or d) 1969. It’s phone a friend see.

MR X

D. 1969

JASON

Final answer?

MR X

Yes.

Jason presses ‘D’ and wins the jackpot.

JASON

Reeesult.

Jason collects, scooping up the memory stick. MR X walks out and hails a taxi on

he road.

RAVEN:

(disapproving)

Enjoying yourself?

JASON

Alright, alright. Just trying to act normal that’s all. God, I

hate conspiracy theories.

RAVEN:

Me too. They’re so boring. He’s just paranoid.

Suddenly BOOOM! A huge explosion outside blasts through the windows.

Everyone screams, Raven and Jason dive for cover. They look up at the empty

shell of the taxi outside. MR X’s hat rolls past them on fire. RAVEN and JASON

know this is serious.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas39.

Raven and Jason sitting in the car.

RAVEN:

So the pharmaceutical company are killing the scientists

and the parents are trying to kill the politicians. What a

mucking fuddle.

JASON

We need to put them all in a room and bang their heads

together.

RAVEN:

Let’s go back and see what’s on this. We’re running out

of time.

JASON

Can I do one thing first?

RAVEN:

What?

JASON

It’ll take five minutes. Promise.

Justyn is laying in bed. He has fallen asleep clutching a teary tissue. Jason tucks

Justyn in neatly, being very careful not to wake him. Then he sits on Justyn’s chair.

He peeks down the hall into the lounge where his aunt and uncle Rita and Harry

are watching TV.

JASON

I remember when you used to cry all night long. You

were only the size of a flip flop. I remember cos we used

to measure you against it. You’d scream your face off.

Mum and dad were both shattered, so I used to come in,

I’d dip your dummy in some gripe water, give you a little

kiss and that was it, soundo... It wasn’t really the dummy

that stopped you crying though, it was the fact that

someone was there, I was there. I’ll always be there

Justyn. Always.

We hear the footsteps of Jason’s Aunt and Uncle walking his way. Close up on

The door as it opens. She enters. Jason is gone. She opens the door.

AUNT

Poor little bleeder.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas40.

UNCLE HARRY

Mind you, he was always spoilt.

She sees that the window has been opened and closes it. We revel Jason outside

ducking under the window frame.

RAVEN is on his super computer in the Operations Room. He is watching a

Quick Time movie. Time code 21.04.2006 as JASON enters.

JASON

What’s on it then? Mucky films?

RAVEN:

Our ‘Insider’ visited them at home as part of his research.

This is Barbara and Edward Jenner. 35, from Kensington.

Primary School teachers.

We see Barbara and Edward trying to feed a child who is far too big for his high

chair.

RAVEN: (CONT’D)

Jason glances at the computer screen. He is horrified.

JASON:

Four! He looks like Bob Hoskins.

RAVEN:

Grant was also asthmatic and a hemophiliac.

JASON:

But that’s hereditary isn’t it?

RAVEN:

Not in this case. No traces of it in either families

according to the report. He developed both conditions

after he had the vaccination.

JASON:

No wonder they’re so pissed off.

RAVEN:

An angry parent will go to any length to protect their

child, even if it means killing thousands of people at the

London Marathon.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas40.

JASON:

What about the kidnapper? Hired?

RAVEN:

No. He said it wasn’t about money remember? So I

checked out the names. Edward Jenner has, or had, a

brother, Alex. A care worker! And this is, or was, his

girlfriend...

A CCTV shot of the BBC TV Studio as Alistair leaves the building and gets into

his car. His PA, Jessica Stephens watches as he storms off. RAVEN zooms in on

Jessica.

JASON

So that’s how Alex got Alistair and Maggie. How are we

going to find them?

RAVEN freezes the image of the house where the footage was filmed. He zooms

in onto some post sitting on a table in the background. He clicks another button,

then another. The image sharpens and rotates and he can see the address...

RAVEN:

Edward Jenner, Garden Lodge, Kensington Road, SW1

677.

Raven and Jason jump over a wall into the back garden of Garden Lodge.

JASON

Shall I kick down the door?

Raven simply opens it. JASON and RAVEN look at each other and enter the

house, alert but not remotely scared.

Raven and Jason enter the conservatory lit only by moonlight and the ultraviolet

glow of an aquarium.

JASON:

(whispering)

You know this is a trap don’t you.

RAVEN:

(whispering)

Oh yeah, I’m not stupid. It’s far too easy. Be prepared.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas42.

On the floor there are two new pairs of running trainers, you know, the fancy

ones with transparent bubbles in the soles. They are still in their boxes. Jason

picks one up. There are some brand new, cut up trainers in the bin, experimental

looking.

JASON

I’ve never seen trainers like these before.

RAVEN:

Who are you? Dr Martin? Have you got a phD in

footwear?

JASON

Piss off smart arse, - I’ve just worked out how they’re

going to release the virus.

RAVEN:

Come on then Bergerac, put me out of my misery.

JASON

The air inside.

JASON holds up the trainer pointing to the air bubble.

JASON (CONT’D)

Think about it, they can’t use needles, they’d never get

past security. But pump the shoes up with the virus and

slowly release it as they are running. Undetectable.

Raven stares at Jason and shakes his head. He’s impressed.

RAVEN:

I knew it was worth investing in you.

Jason puts his hand into the trainer and presses down on the heel - as he applies

pressure, there is a hiss as one of the transparent holes opens slightly releasing

air. They stand back, careful not to inhale.

Suddenly something starts crying upstairs. A baby has woken up, only it’s a deeper

cry, as if its voice has broken. They tip toe up the stairs.

The moaning is getting louder. They walk along the landing and a bedroom door ,

a plaque reads ‘Grant’s Room’.

INT. GRANT’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

A child’s bedroom. Just like any other, there are clouds painted on the walls, a

Chalk board, tv, toys, a twinkly light on the ceiling and a mobile hanging above the

bed. In the corner of the room there is a bed, someone is under the duvet

whaling.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas43.

Jason cautiously walks up to the duvet ...he reaches out and pulls it off to reveal

an oversized child in pyjamas with his face in the pillow. JASON goes to calm

him...

JASON

It’s okay...

...when suddenly the boy turns and hisses at him, he looks terrifying, spiteful and

angry. Jason yelps, the first time he has ever freaked out over anything. Like a

child possessed by the devil, Grant kicks and screams, bites Jason’s hand and

scratches his face. RAVEN tries to pull him off, but he bites him too. Then the

mobile phone that Raven confiscated from the kidnapper rings, RAVEN manages

to answer.

RAVEN:

Hello...(beat) What do you mean duck?

Raven turns and gets a shovel in his face. We reveal Barbara behind him.

BARBARA

Too late.

She swings for Jason too. As the spade makes contact - black out.

POV of Jason as he wakes up in some kind of hospital ward. His eyesight blurred.

He looks down to see that he is tied to a chair, his arms strapped down and he is

connected to a drip-feed type bottle above the bed, connected to a machine, his

blood slowly draining away. Jason has his mouth gaffer taped. RAVEN is in the

same predicament in the bed next to him also gaffer taped.

BARBARA and EDWARD enter the room. Edward leans into Raven’s face and

slaps it to wake him up.

EDWARD

You killed my brother you bastard!

RAVEN winces in pain.

EDWARD (CONT’D)

In five minutes you'll be drowsy, in seven you'll lose

consciousness and in ten minutes every single drop of

blood will be drained from your body and you will be

dead, so you'd better get a move on. Who do you work

for?

RAVEN mumbles under the gaffer tape.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas44.

EDWARD (CONT’D)

(angry, trying to be the big man)

BARBARA tuts.

BARBARA

Take off the gaffer tape first!

Edward rips off the tape.

RAVEN:

We don’t work for anyone.

EDWARD

Don’t lie to me Raven!

Jason mutters under his gaffer tape. Edward is still tragically trying to appear in

control despite the fact he’s a total dimtwit.

EDWARD (CONT’D)

What did you say?

Edward waits a beat, then realises he has to remove Jason’s gaffer tape too.

Barbara rolls her eyes. He rips it off.

JASON

I said , how did you know his name?

Edward has done a big blunder, he’s given something away.

DOCTOR CHIVES

You silly sod Edward.

EDWARD

Sorry Doctor.

Doctor Chives enters with MR X. RAVEN is totally shocked.

JASON

Oh brilliant! Full house. Is there no one trustworthy in

this bloody country anymore?

RAVEN:

I didn’t see this coming. I don’t know what to say.

DOCTOR CHIVES

Raven, speechless! At last.

JASON

But you died.

Vigilante Draft One 14.8.07 Rhys Thomas45.

Mr X shakes his head.

JASON (CONT’D)

What about the cab driver?

DR CHIVES waves ‘hello.’

JASON:

So you’re all working together?

DOCTOR CHIVES

Who do you think created the virus in the first place?

JASON:

What about all of that killing off scientist stuff he was

going on about? Was it all bollocks?

MR X

Afraid so.

JASON:

And the video?

MR X

Filmed it last night.

DOCTOR CHIVES

What wasn’t bollocks were the results and the danger

posed by this vaccine.

RAVEN: